thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
