I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
