You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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