I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
