I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
