She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
