Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
