All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
