shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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