apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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