Apparently you make a good broom.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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