I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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