Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
