we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
