Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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