I met the friendliest cop last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
