Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize