I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
