I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
