I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
