I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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