i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
