Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
