butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
