I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
