rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
