Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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