I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
