it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
