She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
