I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
