Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
