dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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