I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
