Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
