Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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