i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
