Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
