You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
