cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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