he shaved USA in his pubs
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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