My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Your cock deserves a montage
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
