Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He did a backflip because drugs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
