I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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