I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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