her vagine was all disorganized.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
