True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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