I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
