Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
