Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
