I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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