It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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