Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
