I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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