After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
