I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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