why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
