Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How external is "for external use only"?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
