Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
