I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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