party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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